


selfish destruction

by thedoongha



Category: MBLAQ
Genre: Angst, Coming of Age, Emotions, M/M, References to Depression, Self-Discovery, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:28:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25280122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedoongha/pseuds/thedoongha
Summary: Park Sanghyun’s entire life has been about searching for something he doesn’t know, and in the middle of this, he loses himself.
Relationships: Park Sanghyun | Thunder/Yang Seungho (MBLAQ)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 1





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know where this story was going, I had no idea what I was trying to tell, I am so rusty, please ignore my hiatus on this ship for years and suddenly coming back with this.

* * *

**sleeping on paradise**

_ I’m sorry for bringing you into a world where you don’t have any choice of who you want to be _

* * *

Love was a strange feeling for Sanghyun, at first it was a fairy-tale, a perfect love story to be told as a kid, he still remembered those long nights he had spent listening to his sisters voices speaking of their loves in high school, of how they had experienced those in the hallways, the flirting every now and then, of how innocent it was back then. Specially for Durami whose long black hair was reaching the hips while the skirt of her uniform was getting shorter and shorter every new year, she was the one that came to his bed to help their mother in the responsibility of taking care of the youngest child, her voice was always smoothing, soft as a lullaby, singing about love for him, and Sanghyun grew up believing it was just his sisters told him about, even if when he arrived at home almost close to dawn to find his mother trying to equilibrate herself in life after his father left them. There were still traces of tears on her porcelain cheeks, the trembling of her fingers and the doubt of her eyes staring at nothing whenever they weren’t close, yet Sanghyun always saw those close, being able to read the pain on her, but not believing, because love was meant to be immaculate. She killed herself not many years later, in the funeral, Sanghyun was hugging Sandara that then seemed a child close to him, her sobs echoing as they placed roses for a woman that never knew the love they fantasized about. 

Before that, they had to move back to Korea to live with their grandparents, it was a small house by the west, not far away from school, where Sanghyun maintained to keep good grades when he turned an adolescent, they would call him smart, but never approached him with friendship, they would complement his brains, but never call him to hang out after the last period. It was when he started to feel he truly never belonged into that class, or with the others around him, his reflection on the mirror always been of a boy too skinny and too tall for his age, on his cheeks youth was found while everybody else was starting to lose the baby traces, his hair was too straight, never cut right on his forehead and the uniform seemed baggy on the arms, he often felt strange inside the class, as if he was in a foreign territory until he could leave back home with Durami who again always waited by the gates, surrounded by her friends, they were usually loud, laughing with the nails clicking against the phones. They always seemed cool, the picture they had, the hairstyles, the way they wore the uniform, and they always chatted all the way back home, Durami and Sanghyun being the first one to say goodbyes in the walk. There was Jinjoo who was the one with short hair on her shoulders, the crooked teeth coming every now and then when she smiled, she always had two clips on her hair and her wrists with bracelets; Sanghyun listened to her stories with the other girls, she travelled a lot, one or two english words in her sentences while her hands held the pig backpack.

And there was Eunmi, the small lips glossy from the makeup, the taller on the group, yet not that taller than him, her attitude was the one closer to Durami’s, Sanghyun thought her hair was shiny the first time he saw her, the waves black with a sparkly tiara, while her uniform was tidy and ironed, she wore the school tie and never complain about it, and when he joined them every single day after school, she was the one to ask how his classes went. Maybe it was why Sanghyun would blush around her, and feel extremely childish standing next to her even if they were only one year apart. Durami got a glimpse once when they were turning the corner with Jinjoo singing the song to her favorite boy band, which Durami also loved, excited with the concert happening next week, his sister had doubled her shifts at the cafeteria in the afternoons and evenings to get enough money for her ticket, and right on time she did a spin on the streets, Jinjoo turned back to Sanghyun, saying he should grow up to become one of the idols so they could be friends with the other boys, Durami laughed with the idea along himself, until Eunmi elbowed his side with her snack on her hands, mouth full of chips and she said he indeed should, because he was already cute, he just needed to learn how to sing. 

Sanghyun had color rushed to his cheeks right away and trying to hide by looking down at his steps, luckily they reached the yellow gate for their house and waved goodbye to the girls, Durami and Jinjoo still singing and yelling back and forth the lyrics, until the other two girls disappeared on the next corner. Later that day, when Sandara arrived from college with a tired face and a mountain of books on her skinny fingers, Durami gossiped to their oldest sister the news.

“You won’t believe what happened today,” she started casually, lifting her head from her homework, the blue pen on her hand pointing to Sanghyun, a look to the rest of the living room to make sure they were alone, and she whispered. “Sanghyun likes Eunmi! She said he was cute and he was red like a tomato!” 

Both of them laughed at that, Sandara questioning the youngest if it was true, and Sanghyun became red again, trying to say Durami was lying, the three of them teasing each other until their grandma came with her cooking spoon to tell them the yells were too loud. It became the siblings secret joke, and Sanghyun hated it, Durami would give him stares when Eunmi was close, and Sandara would come home, greeting him and giving advices on how to ask the girl on a date. It was annoying to him, well, everything was starting to become annoying when he was just beginning to feel the hormones entering his veins and stimulating his grow. He didn’t know how it happened then, it was as almost all of the sudden, he woke up one day to become the taller in his house, his classmates that before were one or two inches lower stopped by five or six, his hair was growing down to his neck fast, forcing both him and his grandfather to sit on the backyard every fifteen days, Sanghyun shirtless with a habit of biting his nails off while the man behind him, with gray hair nicely combed back and scissors that were massacriting the straight threads until the boy had the same style as him, after the shower, Sanghyun had to comb it back too with gel.

The worst part was his body, somehow Sanghyun felt hot  _ all the time,  _ sweat was presented on his hairline, on his neck that gained an orange shade under the sun, on PE, he had to take a shower immediately after running the whole time, coughing the way out of the gym, yet Sanghyun waited to be by himself to undress, so the others would see him naked, he wasn’t too pleased with the idea of being seen without clothes, so he was always late to the next period, the math teacher trying to understand why he was the only one coming after the bell. Of course, he experienced some changes on the psychical figure, not only his legs getting longer, also his shoulders filling into the white social shirt, the back performing a large shape when he was turned, yet his face was still of innocence and small, his bones were still peaking through his ribs and hips and that image on the mirror wasn’t amusing. It ran on the family, really. 

Sandara, Durami and himself were the reflection of their mother and her mother before that, the uneven eyelids, the slick black hair sometimes being too thick to style, skin and bones legs and arms, with the pale skin on the sleepy expression on the resting eyes. He didn’t remember his father, specially in that house that everybody was like everybody, it was as if he wasn’t part of their history, they just came to be out of their mother’s belly and done. It wasn’t like Sanghyun missed a father figure neither, his grandfather even old was wise and tried to talk to him about his voice changing and the soon-to-come problems that couldn’t be controlled, he never understood his grandfather at those conversations, until one day he woke up with an awful pain on his lower belly and snapped. That morning it was the worst, he took a quick shower with Durami screaming to use the bathroom, and rushed to get ready, skipping breakfast along his sister, they ran to school before the first bell went off, and Sanghyun was hot again, panting on the stairs up to his class. He had nobody to talk about that, or how he felt the hottest when he joined the girls again in the recess, and his eyes darted straight to Eunmi skin between her white socks and her plaid skirt, he had to swipe the sweat out his forehead and in that moment, she turned her head to his eyes, the glossy pink lips rising a corner in an adorable smile, her shoulder coming to her neck and her iris flicked in a sparkle of confidence and for a second Sanghyun thought she knew about him. Impossible. 

Waking up with sweat and his morning pain became a routine then, sometimes he would dream of things he didn’t remember, he knew it was something that had his nerves on the first layer of his skin, something able to pick his senses and he always had to take a shower to steam himself down. Under strange circumstances, he also was catching his eyes lingering on Eunmi longer than usual, on the spot between skirt and socks, on the shape her sides won when her arm came up to wave hello or goodbye to him, on the flowing waves of her long hair against the wind, it brought the sweet smell to his nose that was kept close until he laid down to sleep, sometimes she would stare back at him, smiling or not, a secret behind her long batting lashes she never told him, and he would remind himself of the day she had looked at him and told him he was cute, then Sanghyun thought that maybe, just maybe, she was found of his skinny fingers, how way taller he was and didn’t mind the baby fat on his face. His answer came sooner than he thought, in a warm morning, in their break between classes, Sanghyun was sitting by the benches behind the gym, one hand with the ham sandwich his mother had made for him, the other the pencil to go over the notes on his History book, he was observed into the subject, into the chewing sound his teeth caused that he didn’t see her coming to stand next to him. He looked up to her, surprised, hiding his mouth with the back of his palm, her arms were behind her back, the tie nicely on the small curve from her breasts and her hair was in a ponytail, reaching her waist, and she smiled, all teeth and sat next to him, immediately. 

They didn’t say anything, Sanghyun had the question to why she wasn’t with Durami right now before he saw her hands moving, her nails long in fluorescent blue first scratching the fingers with the pencil, Sanghyun shivered at that, the throat with a dry swallow from the bite of his food, his heart began pounding when she made him drop the pencil on his lap, stealing his fingers to interlace with her own, and her head came to rest on his shoulder with a sigh. They didn’t need words after that, with the flush of young love filling both, Sanghyun had finally met it then. The famous love his sisters talked about, the feeling of those crazy people doing everything for each other, the formula to happiness. When walking home later, Eunmi smiled to him asking about his day, and he smiled back answering it was good so they all could go, Durami and Jinjoo clueless about what happened. 

It was routine, hiding under the benches, Eunmi coming to sit next to him, they held hands, she sometimes helped him with geography and english, lips full of gloss and eyes sparkling, he smelled her hair sometimes, the sweet accent infecting the air and he contained a smile on his lips while she was talking about the exercises. His body would betray him too, Sanghyun would get extremely hot, on the verge of sweating, specially when her face was close, his fingers would tremble softly and his heart was loud inside his chest. Eunmi kissed him when noticing his state, it was his first ever, the gloss sticking his lips into hers, smooth and nice, he felt the blood rushing through his veins, his body freezing into his spot, not being able to move in the explosion of emotions, she felt after that, chuckling and running away with the bell. 

At night, alone, Sanghyun was again betrayed by his body with the daily pain, which was getting worse and worst with every kiss Eunmi gave him, the thick gloss, the plump and small lips, and her tongue that came not long after the third day, wet and experience, Sanghyun never minded that, instead, was learning as she guided him. It was becoming physical too, hands, arms, and legs and she was the one inviting him over her house, told him to lie saying he was going for a walk so he could come to her house after school, so they could be alone. Sanghyun followed the orders, shaking the entire time, he had never lie before to his grandmother or Durami, and they must had suspected something, but didn’t say anything against his decision. Sanghyun had lost his virginity that same day, in a pink room, in a bed with cherry sheets, Eunmi first performing fellatio on him, and then, climbing on top of him; it wasn’t necessarily good, he had spent most of it completely red from embarrassment of being naked in front of her, the rest of it embarrassment of not knowing what to do. However Eunmi guided him again, the next times, asking him to do this and that, and Sanghyun would, slowly taking longer and longer to release. 

It made Sanghyun wonder if his family noticed any changes on him, on his walking or talking, any difference they could see and discover what he had been doing most of the afternoon after school. They didn’t say anything, and Sanghyun sometimes wanted to maybe Sandara or Durami to do it, so they could tell them everything, that he met love and it was indeed what they spoke about, it was warm, and calm, and it felt so good that Sanghyun could almost cry. Their lives weren’t so bad as their mother wanted them to believe. 

However Sanghyun couldn’t expect it to be consistent, it began with Eunmi not coming to the benches one day, the next she came, gave him a kiss and left, and then she would skip two or three days without coming at all, disappearing between Durami and Jinjoo on the way back home, he didn’t dare to ask where she was, even when his heart was dropping every time he didn’t see her, or when he felt strange as something was happening that he didn’t know, an uneasy feeling that consumed him completely. 

And it came to hit him on the face when the teacher left them leave earlier than usual, and Sanghyun had gone to the gates to wait for Durami and Jinjoon when he saw it, Eunmi with her nice hair, her black backpack, and her smile, holding hands with a boy, older than him obviously, that wasn’t skin and bones like him, or with a baby face neither. When she turned to the gates to leave, and saw him standing there, she lowered her head, going through him like she didn’t know him, Sanghyun couldn’t help but stare at the couple as they left for the main street. Durami and Jinjoo coming seconds later, his sister with a funny expression upon also watching them.

“She got a boyfriend, and forgot we exist,” Jinjoo murmured next to him, as thinking out loud.

He didn’t eat for the rest of the day, locked into his room, tears running on his cheeks just like his mother before him, until his pillow was wet. Sandara checked on him at night, allowing her baby brother to cry into her lap then, long nails scratching his scalp, and she whispered how they were Parks and they would never win with love. He skipped two days at school that week, finding himself alone with his mother in the house, and he thought of saying something, they became mirrors, a sadness they couldn’t explain how to stop from drowning them, life being drained from them, he understood his mother them, the feeling of abandonment was toxic, infecting his routine and never leaving, eating his will to live as he returned to school, felt trapped in those corridors. 

* * *

**recollection of a soul**

_ you shall die many times in your life, everyday something inside you is murdered until you are left empty _

* * *

School break came soon enough as Sanghyun prepared himself to the last vacations he would have in his high school as for the next year would be finally the last, one week before it Durami had expressed the decision of him needing to find a job, as she did it that same year to have his own money just as she did, and Sandara approved the idea while Sanghyun followed his sisters advice, applying to work on the small market they passed by coming back from school, it was interesting for the owner that Sanghyun could do a full shift and he had presented himself for his first day right after school recess began. It wasn’t much, but enough for the time, and also a great way to forget the episode with Eunmi from last month as he was trying, really trying to overcome the feelings on his heart, the mourn he was going through of a person that was alive. He was in charge of placing and organizing products on the shelves, carrying the boxes from the van supplies, and in those occasions, he was accompanied by another boy around his age, the one who would do the same as him.

Lee Changsun was one of those types that was handsome even at young age, everything about his face made sense, the red hair with the earrings, the jawline an addiction to an enchanting smile, he was bigger than Sanghyun, yet not taller, he would carry the boxes around like it weighted nothing, when he came to work in sleeveless shirts, his arms were made only by muscles, and he would often be the center of many stares his way in those occasions, he had a personality unlike Sanghyun too, he was always trying to become friends, talk to him a lot when they were in the same space, even with the mouth full of noodles. It was how they became close, Changsun finally getting a word or two back in his unceasing talking, he would call Sanghyun ‘quiet kid’, and escape to help him with the shelves every now and then to complain about a rude customer, cursing between his teeth for only Sanghyun to hear — it was a fact for Changsun that they had to be friends because they were the only young boys working at the market, so they did. 

It was also the first influence ever Sanghyun had of another boy, which was normal if he thought about it, Changsun was the first boy to hang out with him, they spent weeks together, and Sanghyun was talkative after days with Changsun and his smart mouth, they would go out together to the park after the shift, Changsun taking beer from the market and introducing Sanghyun to alcohol, he did try to say no the first time, but by the second time he thought it wouldn’t hurt, and they drank with Sanghyun complaining about the taste.

“How people drink this?” he said with a shaky voice when he spat the beer on the grass, ashamed of it, Changsun chuckling and shielding him from anybody passing by, luckily they were not close to any lights on the park when that happened, for a reason he didn’t understand, it was fun to watch him hating beer.

“You get used to it,” Changsun replied in an assuring voice, not accepting the bottle back, so Sanghyun finished it, face contouring into the bitter taste in every sip. The fourth time drinking it wasn’t so able, and Changsun premonition became real in the next week, when they left the job with the bottles, and Sanghyun had two with his friend, listening to his stories of his life. Changsun invited him many times to spend time with his other friends, and when Sanghyun accepted, it was on the street by the house Changsun lived with his parents, his other friends were just like him, talkatives, with an easy-going personality that embraced Sanghyun’s awkwardness, instead of bullying him, he became the shy new kid and they were into the idea Sanghyun was that innocent and cute. Durami and Sandara relaxing when he came home late at night, asking where he had been and Sanghyun told them he was with some friends he made at the market. 

It seemed almost as people were living a life completely different from him, going out at night, having others to have fun with, some parties and a rush of happiness filled Sanghyun in those, when Changsun pulled him into a birthday party from someone he didn’t know but they managed to make him fit in effortless. Changsun and Sanghyun were inseparable in the end, his friend had a video game they played by the weekends nonstop, going out to downtown with the others to eat lunch, Changsun took Sanghyun to get his hair cut along himself, both with the same cut, and took him to the gym he was working out on, because he complained Sanghyun couldn’t carry two boxes without feeling tired and he was the one carrying all the rest of them. Changsun was good to him, even when the school resumed and Sanghyun was back at it for his last year, and he would use his bike to go the market, Changsun waiting for him to gossip about what happened in his morning, they would laugh a lot together, specially when the boss placed them to the register, and they had all the time to chat and make fun of each other. 

Sanghyun wasn’t invisible at school anymore, his body growing with the exercises Changsun putted him through, the shirt feeling right on his shoulders, and his back adjusting to the fabric with a line of two, the extra fat on his cheeks leaving his face, allowing him to look his age. Sometimes he would get stares, glimpses by the hallways, stolen shy smiles in the market and Sanghyun would like what he saw at the mirror, being tall and big as Changsun. Didn’t take a long time for Sanghyun to wear it on his face too, letting it be a vice on his skin, a sentence on his mouth and a confident dance in the parties. He forgot Eunmi quickly too, that year being the point when he was sure of who he was and what he wanted to be. 

Yet nobody told Sanghyun that positive energy attracted leeches ready to drain him of it, and a leech soon came for him, in one of the parties Changsun took him, it was a breaking point for him, there was no name, just a nickname, Ree, which Sanghyun lift his eyebrow confused with it when the boy said it while offering a drink, he was like Sanghyun in many ways, yet nothing like Sanghyun in many others. At first he thought Ree was trying to be his friend, yet in the middle of his routine of always being out with Changsun, Sanghyun was approached by Ree in one of those, when he was far from the group on the beach, and Reed asked if Sanghyun had ever kissed a boy, not letting him answer before asking if he was curious. Sanghyun was surprised, of course, but not bothered. Ree had a quite attractive face, and Sanghyun was perspective of attractive people around him before, he was aware Changsun for example was attractive, and the customers in the market, both girls and boys, sometimes were nice to the eyes. So Sanghyun saw no problem in having a try. Kissing a boy was different of a kissing girl, something in the way the lips moved, and the tongue was welcomed, Sanghyun couldn’t really explain how, it just was and he liked both. Ree was a player as Changsun had warned him, so didn’t take long to Sanghyun also discover how sex with a boy was different from sex with a girl, it was uncomfortable at first, and had take him two or three times to be completely found it, of the new sensations. 

Ree was also very different from Eunmi, he wasn’t gentle or kind, instead he showed Sanghyun the other type of sex he could have, he was always rough, his mouth was always dirty and Sanghyun decided he liked those a lot, he complimented Sanghyun in dirty names, touched his body with firm hands, not treating him like he could break, and Sanghyun would always feel filthy after having sex with Ree, but it was also Ree who showed Sanghyun what his body could and take, pushed him into a point his eyes were rolling, his mouth was dry while sweat was dripping from his skin. It didn’t mean Sanghyun liked Ree as he did with Eunmi, he never saw any dating future for them, he knew it was a quick thing, he knew it was never meant to last, so when Ree disappeared for some weeks and returned to their group with a girlfriend, he was ready for it, Changsun tried to apologize for it, knowing Sanghyun’s past of being discarded by somebody else, and Sanghyun gave his friend his shoulders. It didn’t mean he was still somehow hurt when it did happen. 

Two months after it, his mother had commited suicide, Durami finding her by the kitchen when returning from college. In the funeral, they all wore black, Sandara was sobbing greatly into his hug, being the oldest child, she was the closer to their mother, they were in the middle of a church and soon it was Sanghyun turn to pay his honors for his mother. He reached the coffin, staring at the body inside, the closed eyes, her porcelain skin whiter than he was used to, and he placed a rose under her hands and held her cold fingers, a morbid experience, and Sanghyun felt his eyes leaking tears of regret and sympathy, for he also understood that life wasn’t as amazing as everybody talked about, he never got to say to his mother that he was aware of her feelings, and how sorry he was for how destiny was horrible to them, and he wished to lay next to her, then, being forgotten inside with her, so they could bury both of them together, it was his first suicidal thought. Durami came to get him with soft hands, pulling him away from there. 

Everything became a blur after that, his entire life mixing into classes and the market and suddenly it was new year, and Sanghyun had to pick a college, and he did, then it also mixed into his routine, waking up with his sisters and grandparents, each of them leaving to their own colleges, Sandara in her last year, Durami in her second and Sanghyun in his first, after classes, he would go to the market for a double shift in afternoon and evening to pay for the college, Changsun was there, trying his best to not let Sanghyun sink into the darkness around him, trying his best to keep Sanghyun going some way as he guessed his house was a strange place after the death of his mother, forcing him out the house to do anything they could, and Sanghyun was grateful for their friendship surviving through. 

* * *

**wake up numb, sleep idle**

_ you tried, I know you did, but everybody does, trying isn’t enough, you either did it or didn’t  _

* * *

His years in college were messed in the way college was, sometimes it was too much to take, sometimes it was suffocating to the point Sanghyun almost gave up, what he did think of a lot, giving up, running away from everything, but what was he supposed to run to? When was enough to stop running? Where would he stop? So Sanghyun didn’t run because it was never a choice, he did what people expected him to do, studied hard as he used did, never skipped a class and spent the majority of his night wake to have his face deep into the books, reading and exercising his head for the tests to come, his hand hurt from the writing, and he was often in a fight with Sandara and Durami to see who would be one using the notebook, they had to take turns to do it, what made Sanghyun curse under his breath, wishing at least they all could die and reborn into a rich family, he blamed himself for thinking that way sometimes, recognizing his grandparents were doing their best to keep the table full of food, the water running for their baths and the light on by their heads. 

He had to drop his job at the market in his third year to search an internship that paid him enough for college and some more for little things he needed, and it wasn’t all that bad, his desk had a computer he could use at the end of the day, and they never complained if he stood there in the evening, hiding into the cubicle to use the benefit of free internet, as long as he kept their cups full of coffee and the paperwork by their table for the next day. They didn’t pay him any extra, and Sanghyun would curse under his breath being from the work class again, yet was pressured by life to feel happy he was at least in college with an internship, because Changsun, his best friend couldn't afford any college since his father lost his job and he had to find one along his mother. They would see each other in weekends only, to play on the videogame, complain about life and drink in bars and clubs, since Sanghyun grew into legal age for that, and they tried, they really did try to become adults like people around them, yet they felt they were losing a race against everybody else, Sanghyun specially felt he was wasting something he didn’t know to life, that never been kind to him, his dreams of being happy with a job and a partner and a house felt far away, impossible to reach, sometimes it was almost as Sanghyun didn’t want to have them anymore, he just wanted to be successful at something, anything. 

He had met someone at the office, delivering the coffee to everybody’s cubicle as soon as he arrived to work, checking what his colleagues of floor needed him to do for them, going for the glass door last, it was a smile at first, then fingers touching his, and a longing stare into his, a subtle thank you for the coffee and Sanghyun left to his own small prison on the corner of the floor, trying to finish his work soon so he could start his project for college, then it came, lashes batting on, another smile and a request for paperwork, Sanghyun had to admit he was handsome, specially with social clothes, the tie along the jacket suit on the shoulders, he was older though, with a golden ring on his finger and Sanghyun had to wonder why he never attracted normal people with normal lives, why must everyone interested on him was always someone he couldn’t have, and he was ashamed to admit it didn’t stop him, hating himself all the time, feeling guilty of his pleasure that wasn’t a lot. Hyeontae was their manager, born in privilege with a pretty wife and a kid to take care, he was great at his job just like hiding the fact he liked boys, and Sanghyun would find him in hotel rooms, private, with a hoodie over his head, shadowing his face so nobody knew what was going on. But Hyeontae was one of those man with money that never learned how to pleasure someone, because people came to him for that only so he would get away with not being good on bed as long he had cash to spend on them, Durami would talk about that type every now and then, finishing her speech with a  _ that’s why I like girls  _ to leave their grandmother choking into her dinner, and Sanghyun would laugh in secret with his sisters, for Sandara always joked their grandmother would have an heart attack if she ever discovered Durami wasn’t lie and Sanhyun was going around kissing boys and girls.

Of course they knew about him, not exactly everything because Sanghyun was too private to give details, only listening to Durami and Sandara talking about their adventures, and when they looked at him, waiting for his turn to share, Sanghyun would escape, how could he tell them he was seeing a man from his workplace, a married one. Changsun knew though, and shook his head before drinking his bear when they were alone inside his bedroom. Sanghyun wasn’t too crazy for the idea neither, but was found of when Hyeontae kissed his lips and whispered how beautiful he was, touching his body with care, but there was always doubt when he was on top and Sanghyun circulated him with his legs, and his hips kept missing the pace, and Sanghyun would grow bored, tired of how it was never the way he expected it to be, but the second Sanghyun tried place Heyontae’s hand on his neck and asked him to go harder, the man pulled away immediately, ashamed for the younger, and Sanghyun saw him leaving after dressing inside, he stood back, nude on the bed, legs opened, staring at the ceiling as his insides were invaded by loneliness, and he only had strength to stand and leave two hours later.

He was transferred to another floor the following week, and they didn’t hired him when his internship was over along his college, so Sanghyun was left to search for a job right when the degree was dropped by his hands, he thought of going back to the market with Changsun, but his friend had almost reached the point of throwing punches when he said so, yelling Sanghyun would never go back there, and he encouraged Sanghyun to find another one along Sandara and Durami, for his grades were always top of the class, he had the honors, and a letter of support from his dean, and the professor in charge of his course. And he was hired into another one after months, a big company that had offices in Europe and America, Sanghyun was so thankful for being good with english because it was the reason why they picked him, which he would use daily. 

It wasn’t happiness yet, Sanghyun knew he would never be happy, but he was content with the new job, it was a good salary, enough to buy his stuff and still help with the house bills, he didn’t need to serve anybody’s coffee, or do someone else’s paperwork, his first payment came and Sanghyun didn’t hesitant to buy a notebook for himself, then a phone, then nice clothes, and go back to work out with Changsun who behaved like a proud father whenever saw Sanghyun wearing a formal outfit, and he would ask if he got calls in english every day, clapping when Sanghyun nodded yes, explaining to him he was in the department responsible for the contact between offices, both contracts wise and with paperwork to transfer other employes between countries. It also enough to encourage Changsun to start college, with Sanghyun’s help in the studies so he could apply for a scholarship, they celebrated everything going out together with Sandara and Durami and they had a great time in the club. 

So life wasn’t so bad, still Sanghyun always felt he was lacking something, the next love interests approaching him were nothing but easy one nightstands, never someone Sanghyun had looked into the eyes and thought of how much he loved them, their kisses were good, never enough to make Sanghyun feel himself tripping over his feelings, and the sex was good, never with enough intimacy for Sanghyun to feel connected and wanted in a way that wasn’t physical. Leeches came sometimes, to which Sanghyun was prepared for, and they would leave soon after knowing his energy couldn’t be drained. However Sanghyun would still face sad situations every now and then when he was by himself inside his bedroom, and everything around him seemed meaningless, loneliness would embrace him like a lover did, clinging into his skin, whispering into his ear, and taking care of his mind, and he surprised himself of how sad he could get. 

He was already in his mid twenties when the opportunity of being promoted presented himself to him, an email to an open spot at another offices in America, and he thought of not able classified for it, but his manager asked him to do so, believing his skills at english were the best from their floor, and he was willing to put a good word for him in, so Sanghyun did so, three weeks later receiving his answer. He had to pack.


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can see in this chapter that i once lived in manhattan and fell in love with it, sex and the city? we only know park sanghyun and the city.

* * *

**the vision of menace**

_ how many times it will take until you learn self destruction isn’t a piece of you?  _

* * *

Sanghyun found himself in the middle of Manhattan in two months, feeling lost and so anxious he could open the window from the car and throw up in the middle of the street, but Sandara would fight him through the phone if he ever did so, complaining she was the one supposed to be in the middle of 5th avenue, living a dream, and she was also the one crying her eyes out when he left to take his plane, Durami and his grandparents by her side as his sister took a picture of him leaving before Sandara could make him cry. It wasn’t as he wasn’t happy with the promotion, yet he was so uneasy with the fact of leaving them behind, his entire family to enter a concrete jungle, living by himself was frightening, specially when he was not with at least Changsun to see from time to time, his best friend promised between also tears and hugs to see him whenever he could, and Sanghyun had gave Changsun one last hug, squeezing him and whispering he would miss him so much, trying to memorize the scent on the red hair, the size of the muscular torso, and the sounding of his voice.

The place around him was of big buildings, every corner was the same and different at the same time, there were so many faces around, every single one of them unique and they strutted on the street with their outfits, confidence, it was also busy around, the driver stopped at every block because of a light, honks and sirens being heard loud and echoing, Sanghyun had to roll his window up, but Manhattan still looked loud, and dirty and dreamy all together. The driver dropped him minutes later by his building, it was just in 145th street, close to Rite-Aid and CVC, the subway station for the one train located on the intersection of his street with Broadway Avenue, the people around him talking in english and spanish and they stared at the big, tall asian man with the suitcase and baggage, by the first gate was a woman in formal attires, a long blond hair beaming in the sun in contrast to her burgundy trench coat, shielding her from the wind coming from the river. She was from the company, introduced herself as Alicia, the People and Culture department, helping him with the suitcase, giving his keys to the apartment, a quick explanation he would be welcome to move if he found another place to live, but the addition bonus to help with the rent would remain the same, and she turned her head up and back to him inside the elevator, the light performing shadows on her natural makeup, with a voice like they were keeping a secret when she advised him to find a place with roommates, so he could use the bonus to pay the rent that way he didn’t need to take extra money from his pocket to pay for an apartment, she told him that was what she did when she came from Philadelphia, and would be happy to take care of the documentation if he ever decided to do that. 

The apartment was big for Manhattan, she told him when he opened the door, a bedroom with a window and a closet, a small living room with a brick wall, a bathroom and the kitchen. Enough for only him, and Alicia smiled when he dropped his baggage on the bedroom, taking the suitcase to him, she left tips to living in Manhattan for some minutes, showing him the papers on the center table on his living room and left with a warm goodbye. It was a Thursday, and he was expected by Monday only according to the guide on the papers, it also explained how to use the subway to arrive at the building, his eyes sharped reading the location, Columbus Circle, it explained also how to set a phone number and a bank account encouraging him to leave the apartment over the weekend for those, also buying house supplies at first notice with the company card attached to an envelop, the password on, his name and he stared at it for long minutes. It had rules to use, and the warning all the expenses at it were watched acquisitively, it had a monthly amount and if he would be fire if they noticed any  _ suspicious  _ activity. There was a map of Manhattan, a list for close stores he could find everyday needs with Alicia name, email and phone at the end of it. 

He decided at first to unpack and organize his stuff around, mostly clothes he could fit inside the closet, some pictures of his family and Changsun with him, that he decided to make a mental note to buy a frame for those, his notebook, and the phone that didn’t work there, so Sanghyun left to meet Manhattan and buy his stuff, his first purchase was a metrocard, it was green and monthly, the amex card flashing as he tried his best to do it right, feeling like a child and questioning his english with the machine by the subway station, yet he returned from the dirty stairs back to Harlem’s fresh air, deciding it was better to take the bus, and by the end of the day, Sanghyun had discovered how much he loved the island, it was always full and busy and they had everything everywhere, he was full of bags when returning home back to settle himself. The first thing he did with the phone was to text Sandara who video called him right away, yelling of how worry she was for him, and then Durami came into, the voice deep and excited, already asking for any news, and if he meet a friend already, his grandfather had called her crazy on the line, taking the phone from Sandara to greet him and hear how the USA was, and didn’t take long to his grandmother to start crying saying she missed him already. 

The next few days were of being a tourist, taking pictures for his family to see, and walking around the famous spots he knew from movies and tv shows. In the streets, people were diverse allowing him to understand why he was also in a fashion center, he had been to Soho and blended in with other Asians, and he had been to Times Square blending into the tourists, and he had been to Bryant Park to see they settling up the ice skating rink and blended in with the amount of races and ethnicity they had in there, however it didn’t mean Sanghyun didn’t get looks and stares when he was walking by, some of curiosity in wide lids, some of hunger under lashes, and Changsun had again warned him about his heart in the big yet tiny Manhattan. 

_ Please, please, be careful with that bad taste of yours, you are too beautiful for your own good.  _ Sanghyun was also aware of that, of his bad taste in partners, and how he seemed to like the one that didn’t give him anything over him serving like royalty, of his love life being the worst, but what could he do when it was their curse, beginning when his father left their mother by the house with a baby Sanghyun by her arms as Sandara and Durami were by daycare, God blessed her. As she was the first one with the curse, then Sandara growing to discover her high school boyfriend had been cheating on her for two years, then Durami who was held captive by not being able to hold her girlfriend’s hand in the street, hiding herself from society and Sanghyun with his inexperience of love, and experience of being left away just like his mother, as Sandara said, it was the Parks curse. And Sanghyun was also aware of how the traces on his face changed over the years, how his beauty was found in the tenue line of handsome and pretty, a grace by his cute delicate lips, and the manly area his uneven eyelids could give with the right stare, a nose that was both big and perfect to contemplate his big cheeks, and depending how he styled his black hair, spiked up or combed nicely to the side, he would win a precious temptation, pure or dark, nonetheless there, and there was the fact it was placed together on top of broad shoulders, the muscular arms that were exposed even at a simple shirt, the line of his chest and stomach hiding under the fabric, the obliques and hip bones salient along his long, toned legs. His high school self would never recognize him if they were placed next to each other. 

When he arrived by the office in Monday morning, with a suit to cause a good impression, the receptionist smiled with shyness for him, handing over his badge after taking his picture which he was definitely handsome and his access was clear into the glass building, his floor was 47, people in the elevator quiet and holding back the looks on his way, and Sanghyun tried his best to not seem anxious too, for they had 50 floors and he was almost too close to the top for him, his badge also was in purple color while most were yellow and red, or blue. He was by himself inside it before he could stop anxiety eating his nape, and when the elevator opened on the floor, Sanghyun saw a clean floor, filled with sunlight from autumn allowed through the glass walls, the same type of walls forming the offices on front corner, three rooms and a meeting room, the tables outside were of fine furniture that could fool him into believing he made out of the working class, there were not many thought, six with the five employers there already, doors by his left indicating the break room, the toilets and he had looked down at his shoes stepping into a gray polished floor. 

A man was waiting by the elevator for him, also asian not much older than him, a small set of lips, the hair dyed into dark brown, he had a western type though, his suit was of impeccable manners yet no jacket, only a purple vest, no badge and he smiled warmly at him, greeting him in korean, and introducing himself as the floor manager, Jung Byunghee, and he exchanged into english speaking how he was excited with his arrival at their floor, he went as far as introducing him to everybody, Cheolyong who was the floor intern, and Sanghyun had stare at him in almost pity for he was also the one with the coffee duty before, but Cheolyong only carried a macbook between his arms, glasses on top of his nose and a ringing voice when also speaking korean with him, Claire who was responsible for keeping them connected to the upper floors, her afro big as her smile was blinding white, she shook his hand with another reassuring gesture, by her desk, there was Miguel with green eyes and a full suit on, he was Byunghee’s secretary, for that, he was sat close to the main glass room, his office, Melissa who was the one keeping in touch with the lower floors with a long hair reaching her hips, also the one that would be setting next to him, and lastly, Christina who was in charge of contracts the same as him, voice deep and serious expression.

Byunghee let him by his table, telling him the macbook there was for his use, and he left for some important work to do, leaving him with Christina that rolled her chair next to him, explaining the rest of the stuff with patience, which showed her face was only a mask to her calm personality. 

“So you took care of the contracts overseas right?” she asked between her coffee mug and long red nails a tambourine on his desk, watching with attention how he was setting his corporative email on, her voice mother-like then, still deep, but amused with his presence.

He nodded slowly, still nervous, voice shaky and english unsure. “It was… I did the, uh, the ones for transferred employees.”

She chuckled, finally allowing it to reach her face in a smile, the vivid red lips not showing teeth as almost invisible wrinkles made way to her eyes under her blond fringe. “Your english is really good, don’t worry. Also, here we are dealing with contracts too, just with big clients, usually the ones we have to be meticulous with, you will like, I’m sure. We get to travel all the time around the country.” 

Sanghyun nodded again, opening up to her as they talked over the first hour in the morning, he had read the specifications before applying, yet there was something relaxing on her tone, and on her behavior that made his shoulder loose as she gave useful insights of their job, explaining how they were there to make everybody else lives easier. She used to be alone at that before he came, but she was often sweet talking Byunghee to hire somebody else, as she sometimes felt overwhelmed with taking the big fishes, going home to her husband and a 7 years old kid, Sanghyun had made up a face maybe, thinking of why they would hire a nobody for that because she smiled again, that same way of not showing teeth with the lipstick, explaining to him their manager desire to have someone young, and his past manager had expressed how he was vital for that position many times. They offered it to London and Seoul offices, and they could only come up with three names each, Christina whispered both Byunghee and the CEO liked him the most, even talking to the others about it. 

“The CEO comes here?” he asked, rotating on his chair to look at her, surprised a busy man would find time to come down at their floor, and feeling uneasy again with dealing with the guy behind everything, his right leg moving up and down with the idea. 

“Oh yes,” she answered with another sip of coffee, the sun catching her blue eyes just right to sparkle, as she took her time to finish the hot drink, before turning to him. “We are the closest department of this building to him, you will get to see him a lot in meetings and travels.”

And behind Christina, came the intern with a teasing face, as he listened to their talk, he had covered his mouth with a curling palm, kneeling besides her black hair to hide from the rest of the team, far enough to keep their conversation private and not disturb anybody, the macbook still on his arm. “What are you gossiping about? I wanna participate.” 

“Oh, Cheolyong, darling,” Christina acted surprised with him by her side, soon mimicking him with her own palm, and she was about to answer him when a notification sound went off and she had to get that email. 

The intern turned to Sanghyun with a smile before leaving too. The day was over quickly as Christina transferred a new contract the New York office was working on, explaining the details and how he should take over, they had lunch together, the whole team, a Byunghee treat for Sanghyun and the rest to celebrate his arrival. So they took him to undermarket by the subway station, they ate in a small place japanese place, later grabbing some donuts from Krispy Kreme and Sanghyun had never tasted a donut better than that. They arrived back to their floor one or two hours later, Sanghyun still with a donut on his mouth while he went over the draft for the contract, typing his notes away and the ding of the elevator was soft when it opened the double doors, making Sanghyun turn his eyes to whoever came out. 

Clicking in a demanding tempo, one right after the other, but not in rush, the leather of the shoes reflecting the sunlight as they move ever so slightly revealing the red bottoms with the steps full of force, the suit had such a dark shade it could be mistaken as deep blue, designer of course just by the cut of it with a pattern handkerchief on the pocket by the chest matching the tie, the smell came right after of perfume and millions of dollars, and the sun reflected again on the hair nicely parted on the side and combed with gel on top of a tanned skin, the profile made of a thick line of long lashes, a prominating nose and big meaty lips, an aura of power oozing from the slim cheeks as his chin was high, untouchable, the hands on the pockets with the shoulders straight and a posture of someone who never knew anything besides privilege the entire life. 

And Sanghyun almost dropped the donut when the man turned his way when reaching the middle of the room, first the face with the feline and piercing brown eyes, the stare intimidating, and Sanghyun felt small for the first time since he was sixteen, he felt his body curling, trying to hide under the screen he was typing into, his hand taking the donut and placing by the box on his desk slowly as everybody continued to work. Then the body turned to continue the effortless power walk his way, as Sanghyun was almost out of breath of the man that offered him a hand when he reached his desk. The hand revealing golden cufflinks with lions, and a big rolex with diamonds and Sanghyun had to swallow dry upon seeing all that. 

“So you are the new hire,” the voice sounded like a quiet storm into the floor, echoing over all the typing, low and husky, loud enough for only them to hear as if he was tamed himself, Sanghyun accepted the hand with a shy nod, trying hard to not seem his legs were trembling under the table, then the lips moved again, the left corner on the upper pulling up ever the slightest to let out the word between white, perfect aligned teeth. He squeezed Sanghyun’s hand, a soft touch yet firm enough for him to shiver. “I’m Yang Seungho, a pleasure.”

“Park Sanghyun, likewise,” Sanghyun managed out in a quiet voice, the korean accent trying to come out when he was still under the piercing stare, and he retrieved his hand when Seungho let it go, not knowing how to behave when the man stood there, as if he was able to see his soul.

“Welcome to New York,” he said lastly, changing to korean with a tiny nod of his head and left to Byunghee’s office in that walking. 

Sanghyun took a deep inhale not noticing he was holding his breath, and Christina laughed contained besides him in their own secret, getting her donut to take a bite, and Sanghyun shook his head winning back his sanity, feeling he made a fool of himself and follow his coworker restrained laugh, and they both exchanged a look trying so hard to not laugh out loud after that, if Christina didn’t know he was also into guys, she did then, as she had that complicity on her, and minutes later Seungho came out of the glass door with a farewell to the entire floor, a last glimpse at Sanghyun and left. 

_ Fuck.  _

* * *

**dancing with the devil**

_ run, child, for you are one of those who only know pain and believe suffering is love _

* * *

There were men, and there were men like Yang Seungho, dangerously handsome, the type Sanghyun knew capable of destroy him the moment he decided to be attracted to him, yet there was no other like Yang Seungho, the seducing mystery on his feline eyes whenever he looked around the room, the thick lips able to control his dreams anytime when moving in a greeting to him and his colleagues, and the voice encharging of make any crawl to his commands, he felt as the embodiment of power, and menacing, always dressed straight full of designers. He was a sight whenever he was, how he walked, how he behaved, a superiority different from men in the company, as if he was indeed with the whole world on the palm of his hands, under his latest fashion shoes, however he was also contained in a way Sanghyun couldn’t explain, a serious aura around him, hard to connect as if he was always inaccessible to everybody. He was educated when approaching them one the floor, one day with a gray suit, then a creme one and then a burgundy one accentuating his lips and had Sanghyun almost sweating trying to focus on his work, and he couldn’t take the vision of his boss even when he went home to his apartment, wondering how soft his mouth would feel against his body, and how his tempting voice would sound on his ear and Sanghyun hated himself for those thoughts, thinking he was past those, he had learned before the price of involving himself with someone from his workplace, and the little ghost voice on the back of neck came at that to whisper about the miss of a golden ring on Yang Seungho’s hand. 

_ Still a no _ he thought to himself, for he liked Manhattan too much to move out, and he found friends in his colleagues, going out with them so they could introduce him the island, and they discovered new places together, for Manhattan was full of surprises, and unknown corners, they always had something to do on the weekends, his closer friends being Christina and Cheolyong because their tables were closer to each other. Cheolyong, luckily, was from a nightlife the same as Sanghyun and showed him to nice bars and clubs, packed with different faces, and drinks. Sanghyun also adopted a cat to live with him to fill the loneliness of coming to an empty home in the end of the day, Changsun picked the name when they talked over the phone, he heard the stories from his friend trying his best at college, and Seoul while telling him about New York and how his job was good at there. Sanghyun was able to send money sometimes to his grandparents, and buy himself some stuff, Sandara had yelled at him when he took a photo of his new suit, not a fancy designer, yet formal enough to stand out in the street, saying he would look so, so handsome. 

Of course, Sanghyun was also caught up in how many people existed in there, in those situations, it was as effortless as waking up in the morning and riding the subway to Columbus Circle at 7am, something came up, and he found himself in the middle of a kiss, and touch. He would hate to say it, yet he was craving for those, there were nights Sanghyun just  _ needed _ to be touched by someone, anybody that could be together with him, and disappear upon the next day so he was allowed to breath again. He wasn’t proud, far from it, and he knew nobody would understand if he said sometimes he would get sad and lonely and the replacement of a family became bodies he didn’t know, faces not lasting more than hours, he still felt used and sad when they left, yet Sanghyun was willing to sacrifice his mind for at least a night where he wasn’t lying on the bed by himself. The stories about his adventures in Manhattan with lovers and affairs were never told to Changsun, Sanghyun used to lie, saying he had changed in needing someone to be happy, he had discovered the potion to be happy for himself, however happiness was an utopia along with love, a dream far away, impossible for him to brush his fingertips on, and Sanghyun took what he could get. It didn’t mean he was satisfied, people didn’t know him, they knew the mask he was wearing to be acceptable, he was never himself in the nights, nobody wanted a broken man trying to fix himself when they were with him, Sanghyun was often ashamed of that too, curling up again in the space of his bedroom and not feeling any arms around his waist. He blamed Ree for it, after all those years, for that young boy made him incapable of being loved by normal people, and the more Sanghyun was in the middle of his work colleagues, the more he noticed he would never fit into any portrait they could try to do to him. Byunghee, his manager, had been married to a girl from the fashion industry for four years, kept a photo of them on his table and blessed her name when it came up, Miguel was married to another man, fighting to adopt a baby to form a bigger family, Christina was the regular mother figure they had in there, and she spoke of her husband only with care and affection, Claire was preparing her wedding ceremony with her fiancée, a guy with a house in The Hamptons and with a job on Wall Street, Melissa had a diamond ring, private in her love life, yet when they talked about happiness, her face would beam and it was an understatement she was comfortable with it, Cheolyong left a girlfriend back in Korea for the exchange internship and soon would go home to her, they talked in the free time and there was only more six months before he left to home, Sanghyun couldn’t even imagine that, someone loving him enough to wait for him for years without any contact, and Sanghyun couldn’t image neither having a golden ring on his hand and trying to have a baby, it only made him seem an alien in their reality, when they asked him about any partner he had, he would chuckle, trying to hide his own face, and lied saying he didn’t have time for anyone right now. 

It was already Christmas in Manhattan when Sanghyun had his last fall out with a man from downtown, he left from the apartment with a single click of locks and the promise to never return, later he was by the Bryant Park for coffee and ice skating with Cheolyong and Christina with her daughter, it was cold enough to cling into his coat while trying to warm his hands with his coffee. Christina was sitting with her red mouth full of waffles and chocolate by his side as they watched Cheolyong with her daughter on the rink. 

“Are you coming?” She got the words out between bites and chewing, placing gloved fingers in front of her mouth to not spit. Behind them, tourists were loud, passing by fast, forming lines on the small food tents, the buildings high around the park, lights changing their colors while the rink reflected purple and white on their faces. 

“Yeah,” he nodded, taking a sip of the warm drink, the feet on the fake grass moving to support themselves on the green chair in front of him, the one with the child’s bag on, and Cheolyong backpack, as the noises from cars coming from the streets in honks, police sirens and the air from buses. “Can I trust on you to hold my hair?” 

Christina swallowed the bite hard to answer him. “I know who got you…” 

“Who?” Sanghyun asked, full attention on her face, trying to read her expression for any tip of who had his name for the gift exchange in the office Christmas celebration, it was a friendly night for those whose families were far away, people like himself and Cheolyong that had nobody to spend the holiday with, Christina had secured him to go, saying she would go every year, leaving the daughter with her husband because they always had free drinks and the gift exchange was fun, Sanghyun had no choice when she wrote their names on the list for those who were attending that year. It was not even half of the staff, but everyone going were excited, there was always the possibility of getting one of the managers and they gave the best gifts. 

“I can’t tell,” she denied his question with her head, the threads of blond hair coming out from the black circle hat, and smiled in her own way as she turned to him with a suspicious stare on.

Sanghyun tried to get a name out of her for a long time until Cheolyong and Ann came back with, and they left the park to walk until 33rd street were Cheolyong swore they had the best bubbletea they could have in the United States. None of his friends noticed any change on his behavior for the afternoon events, just at some point, Ann walked next to him, tiny in her heels, her mother’s copy and held his hand with interlaced fingers and he stared down at the child and she smiled back to him. 

The Christmas party came the next week with a feeling it wouldn’t happen never, for Sanghyun was waiting to drink himself away, Cheolyong talked about it during the office hours in his excited tone, how much he also wanted to drink until he didn’t remember his own name; and asked Sanghyun to participate on that game with him, Christina was also in it, as her husband would come pick themselves once it was over and he could drive the them to their apartments. Cheolyong lifted his eyebrows before his glasses, in a silent mouth tight yell, shaking Sanghyun’s shoulders in the break room as they planned to finish the entire alcohol from Yang Corporation main office. Sanghyun left the building with Cheolyong to his place so they could dress and leave the work stuff at there, that night, his friend would crash on his place so they at least had each other to take care of something happened the next morning, and Sanghyun felt nostalgic when Cheolyong took a shower and he was putting on his clothes, the memories of when Changsun was the one getting ready with him filled his thoughts and he immediately sent him a text. They arrived at the building two hours later, Christina waiting by the front, over-the-knee boots with a red stockings, a mini dress mimicking the elfs uniform and big hoops on her ears, Cheolyong cheering as he was also in his elfish costume with the sets, hat and ears, Sanghyun was wearing an awfully Christmas theme suit with Santa’s hat and he had to take a time for himself to laugh of how they looked. 

Everybody in the first floor was in the Christmas’ theme, the tables not there instead just the over the top decoration, a huge Christmas tree with a DJ next to him, Sanghyun was shocked, he thought they would follow the tradition of a company party, yet when he saw the way the first floor was fixed, it just seemed a Christmas club with lights on and free alcohol. Most of people there were employees promoted to the main office, they heard many languages there and saw many cultures, they left the boxes with the gifts under the tree, Sanghyun noticing the big ones, the ones unable to wrap around with ugly paper, and he left his nicely on the floor. It wasn’t even midnight and he had been into his third shot of tequila, eating the sweets as Cheolyong pulled him to dance, the alcohol taking off his inhibitions and they danced to the songs playing, under the ceiling decorations with warm tones. Soon he heard the voice on the microphone asking everybody to grab their gifts from the exchange, and they followed, Sanghyun almost tripping on the floor when he bent for his box, and it started while Cheolyong and Christina called him to sit, noticing the glee on his eyes, and how everything around him was starting to get to funny. 

But he sobered up immediately when he saw an unusual face along the circle of people, the piercing stare on top of a tiny smile as his head was slightly turned to a man speaking into his ear, it was the only black among the red and green, the suit perfectly placed on the intimidating figure, standing out for being there, the tanned skin glorified by the lights, the hair combed to side, and Sanghyun didn’t know if the alcohol affected him that much, yet he felt a chill on his spine when between the meaty lips, a tongue came out, licking them out of the dry. Sanghyun pulled Christina’s sleeve to call her and ask in a whisper what Yang Seungho was doing there.

“He always come for at least for some hours!” she bent to whisper on his ear, hand in front of her mouth, the blue eyes with a hazy stare on him, of someone who had been drinking too. “He gave me a birkin once! I still have it locked in my closet and admire it every morning when I wake up!”

And Christina straighten up to help Cheolyong with his box, leaving Sanghyun to stare at the man across the floor, then he must had felt the eyes on him, because the feline lashes batted his way and Sanghyun found himself swallowing dry when Seungho returned his stare, but their attention was called again with the first person stepping up to tell who was the gift for, he tried his best to keep up with the gifts, but he felt uneasy as if he was being watched closely, analyzed and he was able to breath only when Mabel from the 7th floor came with shy hands, saying her gift was for the guy able to make her dream come true, and Sanghyun pitied her when she handed Yang Seungho a tiny box, how hard was to give a man who had everything a gift, but Seungho was polite when he received it, with a nod on his head and the closer he ever got to a smile on his lips, only the corners up. Everybody saw him opening the box in the middle, expecting what he would take it off it. A red and fluffy santa hat that had him with a weak laughter on his throat, Christina almost yelled behind Sanghyun, asking him to put it on, what he did once everybody started to ask too, laughing when the serious big CEO was found between them with a santa hat, and lastly he took a handkerchief from the box, thanking Mabel and letting it by his suit pocket. 

The box he took from the man he was talking before was big and black, a black ribbon on it, and everyone was quiet with the brand name on it. It was when Sanghyun took a full look around the people and felt his heart pounding on his chest, only him and maybe five or six people still had gifts on hands. 

“I got somebody new,” the voice rang on the floor as it usually did, and for the first words, Sanghyun regretted coming to the company party, wishing he had been home alone, in FaceTime with Sandara and Durami, a late night call to Changsun, he had swore for a second everybody took a glimpse of him, and his shoulders curled with Christina using her long nails to squeeze his collarbone assuring, of course she would keep that secret from him, she was smart, she had been quiet in her desk everytime Seungho walked by him and Sanghyun’s body behaved in more emotions than intimidation, however he wished she would just say it, prepare him for that, now Sanghyun even considered telling her about his issues with people out of his league, and his past with a manager when he was an intern, that even being an adult, he still would forget to think and if Yang Seungho got too close and decided to play games with him, Sanghyun would succumb right away, and he for one, saw Seungho and knew he would be just  _ that _ type. 

Seungho reminded him of Ree in those rare times his face was around in the office, the way there was a carpet under his heel, as Sanghyun could never hear when he was approaching, there was something around their eyes, a resemblance he couldn’t tell exactly what it was, but it was there, on the dark circles around Seungho’s lower lashes, on the pitch black orbs Ree had, maybe it was a certain hunger on, a certain dangerous that had Sanghyun reviving his past self on a bed with hands around his neck and a groan lingering into air.  _ Gorgeous, Sanghyun… You look amazing….  _

He had lost himself into his own mind, waking up when he had found the back box in front of him, being handed by a pair of wrists with diamond cufflinks and a golden rolex, the letters forming Balmain appearing in the reflection of lights, and Sanghyun had to command his arms to move and accept it, the smell on his space strong of vice, when he looked up to thank his boss, he saw the shadows on the forehead, the maliciously serious stare focused on his expression, the lips seemed thicker upon the angle, and they moved in the slim cheeks to a line of closed smile when he finally took it, and Sanghyun felt under a pressure, as if they were alone when Seungho knowledge his presence and Sanghyun, hypnotized, followed the man’s actions as his own with the shivers tinkling his palms. Sanghyun waited for Seungho to back off, but he didn’t and nodded towards the box as the entire room was expecting him to open, so Sanghyun did with the help of Christina holding the ribbon and the lead, those were made with care, he could tell it would be the most expensive thing he ever owned his life. 

There were gasps and Cheolyong half drunk  _ oh my God _ on the back as Sanghyun was too surprised to even move when he saw the jacket inside, a bomber style with black fabric adorned by silver and sparkling embellishments, the art deco shapes organized in different crystals. He held it high, analyzing as Seungho said something he couldn’t understand, and before he tried to listen better, Cheolyong was clapping on his ear along the others colleagues. He knew he thanked the gift, because he felt the voice running his vocal cords, yet his hearing was muted as his eyes were fixed on Seungho nodding ever so slightly at him, the lips opening to use his tongue to wet them, that stare from up top with the high chin.

Seungho turned on his heels giving space for him to stand up to give the gift he had bought for Brian from the 2nd floor, stopped by the same man he was next to before. Sanghyun had to remember how to talk, how to stand, being that close to the other was overwhelming to him. 

When the gift exchange ended, he tried to find Seungho again around the floor to thank him one more time, feeling just once wasn’t enough, as Cheolyong and Christina whispered back and forward about the jacket he was holding on his lap, inside the box that alone could pay his December’s rent. They gave him a cup with alcohol in it, not taking long for Sanghyun to start drinking as he searched Seungho on the faces, on the bodies, clothes, sipping the drink as the Balmain box was placed close to Christina and Cheolyong’s belongings. But he only found reds and greens, lights and trees, wrapping papers on the floor as the song was starting to get too loud along the talking, in between a group of people chatting, he saw the man Seungho had been talking all night and Sanghyun took the clue to start walking before losing the sight of him, maybe his boss was close, he turned in big steps to inform his friends he would be right back, and when he almost reached the group, he finally took a glimpse of the black point inside the elevator, santa hat still on the head, shoulders straight as the doors closed and left to the ground floor. 

Sanghyun walked there, calling the elevator with fast fingers, taking a long sip of the drink, trying to build courage to talk with Yang Seungho, no. To thank him. Thank him for that jacket, which Sanghyun had no place to wear to, what was he supposed to do with something so expensive like that? Put it on next Saturday when he went to the next block for his morning coffee on Dunkin Donuts? The elevator reached him again, and Sanghyun entered with the finger again hitting the button nonstop.  _ Just go, goddamnit!  _ He thought, unsure if he said it out loud. He just knew it closed and took almost minutes to open again, and Sanghyun was grateful for long legs, because otherwise he would have missed it, his hand opened the glass door with an impulse as he was trying to not spill the drink from his cup, his sudden act calling the attention from Seungho, who was with on the sidewalk, the door to his Rolls Royce car opened for him, his driver holding it to reveal the leather seats inside. 

He had a long coat over his suit in a dark shade of gray, the santa hat from before being held along a phone by his gloved hands, also leather, as his hair remained perfectly combed to the side, accentuated by the scarf around his neck, covering his mouth when he turned to see Sanghyun standing by the stairs. And Sanghyun had to remember the last time he saw a man that handsome before. Never. 

“You can’t drink on the streets, Mr. Park,” his voice was higher than usual, untamed for the noisy nights Manhattan always had, his body turning completely for the younger, the presence strong as life continued on the streets behind him and his car, never losing the superior aurea. Sanghyun took a deep inhale, breath circulating on his cheeks in the cold air, as he turned to see the cup on his hand. “You can go to jail.” 

Sanghyun upon hearing it, decided to finish the drink in one go, face contouring when tasting the change of bitter upon the wind was along him, he felt his face burning and imagined the blood had rushed there, as a chuckled sounded in front of him, and he tried to say it normally, but he couldn’t, at some point he knew he was yelling. “Thank you for the gift!”

“You said that already,” Seungho answered, with a nod to the man next to him, the leather hand holding the top of the door as his driver left him to return to his position behind the wheel. When he stared back at Sanghyun, his smile opened fully, all teeth, white and aligned, contagious and Sanghyun had to breath for a long minute, even when he smiled like that, he was still in that mystery leading him to believe his boss was making fun of him. “Do you need a ride home?” 

Sanghyun was taken back, of course he didn’t, he was only half drunk and he would only leave completely drunk, the point where he and Cheolyong would hold each other, not able to tell who was holding who, yet he felt tempted when his vision was of Seungho exhaling his richness in front of him, pressed perfectly on the winter clothes, the door to a car open and offered to him, a car in the case Sanghyun only saw on the tv, and that contagious yet dangerous smile. Sanghyun tried to reason himself to not accept it, he knew with him being him, there was only one way that would end. 

“I don’t have my stuff,” he said at last, in a desperate try to not deny it, and not accept it, giving the older his shoulders, the cup almost falling from his hand as his fingers were getting too cold, he had to get back right away, before he froze outside, admiring the beauty of a man he couldn’t have. 

“Good night then, Mr. Park,” the voice came tamed as it was used to, as the cars stopped on the streets, giving space for calm minutes in Columbus Circle, his lips pressed against each other contained another chuckle from Sanghyun’s state. “Merry Christmas.” 

Sanghyun had stood there watching Seungho entering the car with a soft thug on the door after his red bottoms were placed inside, the windows were pitch black and he couldn’t see him any longer, soon the driver started the car and left. Sanghyun felt regret for not accepting the ride quickly filling him when it disappeared into Manhattan, his feet were lazy going back to the party where Christina and Cheolyong asked him where he was, he didn’t tell, instead allowing them to fill his cup again so he could drink himself away.

* * *

**sweet tasteful glory**

_ you think to yourself ‘I just can’t help myself’ and feel bad but it never stops you _

* * *

The Christmas morning was composed of Sanghyun sleeping on his Christmas suit, while he felt sickness reaching his tongue and he swallowed it all the way back to his stomach every single time he heard Cheolyong throwing up in the bathroom, at some point they started to heat up their conversation in korean, the younger begging him to just stick his fingers inside his mouth and Sanghyun denying, saying he didn’t have strength to do it, and when Cheolyong almost threw up far away from the toilet, Sanghyun cursed under his breath, saying if he did it, he expected it to be done to him too, the later it was because he was used to Changsun always taking him to the toilet, saying it would help him with the hangover, the sooner he putted it all out, the sooner he would get better. So he knelt next to the young man and held the long hair with a hand, using the other to stick his finger down his throat, and he had to turn away with just the feeling of wetness there, with the sounds of choking and Sanghyun almost threw up himself with the smell, not waiting for Cheolyong to say he was okay to take his hand and put it himself into his mouth. The whole scene was disgusting and reminded Sanghyun when he was seventeen, before his mother’s funeral, they looked like teenagers that couldn’t hold their alcohol, and they started laughing until they were crying at their state, sitting on the bathroom floor, completely wasted, standing up only when Cheolyong asked to go buy some medicine for his headache, suddenly they were by the beauty stands inside CVS, and Cheolyong talked Sanghyun into dyeing his hair blond for the holiday.  _ You will look so cool, c’mon, idol style!  _

Sadly, Cheolyong had to leave later that night to a flight back to Korean for New Years’ Eve, he was visiting his family along his girlfriend, but before he was gone into the apartment’s door, he had Sanghyun in a hug and said he would call him when he reached Sandara and Changsun. Sanghyun would go too, but he prefered to spend the money with gifts for his own family than the flight, and Cheolyong was happily taking each one of the gifts to them, luckily they both lived in Seoul back home, so Cheolyong could get his father’s car and drive to the simple yellow gated house by the corner where he could meet the Parks and Changsun.

The rest of the week was made of a ghost building as Sanghyun still woke up to his coffee and 2 for 5 by Dunkin Donuts, taking the 1 train to 59th street, getting out in the Columbus Circle, passing by busy streets until he was inside the glass property, his purple badge with his dark-haired picture and his name and his floor checked by the security pass, the entire team on the ground floor was minimal already, only one of the receptionist, two security guards and the elevators were empty, if they were more than one hundred in the last week of the year was a lot. They had the opportunity of home office if desired, but Sanghyun found comfort in taking the subway with people around, seeing faces, breathing fresh air instead of holding the macbook on his lap, sitting down on his bed, wishing he was home while on the corner of his vision, an embellished jacket was hanging on his closet door, because he didn’t want it to stay with the others clothes, afraid it would be damaged anyhow, it was obvious it was too expensive to just stick it in there, he remembered Christina telling him about her birkin being placed in a pedestal back in her own closet, and he gave a great thought of how to put it away, but it ended up hanging on his closet door as a trophy he had no place to wear. 

He was the only one by his floor, which allowed him to play some low music while he was going over the new contract they had, the Chicago project, he was the one in charge of it, and he had to pack in two weeks to leave to Illinois, along a team to finish the deal, Christina, who was back in California to spend the last holiday with her husband’s family, told him it usually went calm, Byunghee would be with him, one of the lawyers from the 34th floor, and Seungho, his job was more to be the one with an eye out for every detail in their favor in the meetings, she told him she would take a copy of the contract with her, taking notes while her presence was forgotten in a table of men, Byunghee would stop attending the trips as he was getting comfort at them, since their manager was best back at the main office, and didn’t wish to leave his wife anymore with work trips. 

It made him nervous, but Sanghyun had assigned to that when he decided to apply for the promotion, it wasn’t all bad since he would have time to be a tourist while traveling as he was the new chosen one so Christina could stay back with her family and soon, Byunghee too. The perks of being single. Traveling for work and spending New Year’s Eve alone. Maybe Sanghyun would go to a bar later, at least allow himself to find someone to spend the midnight party by himself, he couldn’t be the only person alone that night. 

It was almost time to go home when he started to pack his macbook, and belongings into his backpack, drinking a last cup of coffee in the break room, and calling the elevator to leave. He pressed the ground floor button softly, waiting for the doors to close as he was typing on his phone a reply to Durami and Changsun texts, they were still thanking his gifts and sending photos, Sanghyun had to smile upon seeing Changsun holding up the big bag of peanut butter M&Ms, so lost into himself he didn’t feel the elevator going up, opening with a soft click and somebody else entering along his side. The next photo was Changsun smiling while holding up the games cases Sanghyun had sent him,  _ I like these, even if I have no time to play because college is a living hell!  _ his text said, and Sanghyun chuckled to himself, answering he knew, college was indeed a living hell. 

“Your boyfriend?” the voice rang inside the elevator, startling Sanghyun, who almost dropped the phone when hearing the familiar strong, husky tone, fingers failing in locking the screen as his eyes widened with the head turned to his left where Yang Seungho was in a burgundy suit that did wonders to the shade of his lips, his tie was made of dark patterns and the feline eyes casted a shadow under the light coming from the top reflecting a wealthy shine on the tanned skin he managed to have even in the middle of the winter. He was carrying his phone between fingers too, last generation, the leather gloves also locked there as his right arm was bent with a long coat and scarf were placed. 

His eyebrows lifted, waiting for the answer as Sanghyun cleaned his throat, almost choking on his own saliva, the idea of Seungho thinking he had a boyfriend making him worried, the little voice on his mind asking him to yell no, yell he was available. “My best friend, I sent them Christmas’ gifts.”

Sanghyun felt trapped and suffocated there, Seungho’s presence infecting the entire air, stealing all the space for himself, making him think how a man could do that to a room without trying, just by being. The ride was getting to long, making him swallow hard and dry again, stealing a look into the screen to see where they at.  _ 38. _ They stood in silence for some moments, until Seungho had a better look on him.

“The new hair color suits you, Mr. Park,” Seungho continued not noticing how hard it was to Sanghyun to remain calm with him around, not let his mind flow in the want, specially with that voice right on his left, the inches of different of height were almost nothing, so he felt every word right on his earlobe. The compliment remembering him of the new style he had on top of his head, automatically his hand brushed between the almost platinum threads. 

Then it hit him. A compliment. A subtle one, but still one. And Sanghyun hated himself for trying to read into lines in it, hated himself for clinging into it as what he supposed to do when thinking too much of a compliment? Flirt with Yang Seungho so he would get fired right away?  _ Please, please, don’t do it. Please, don’t.  _ Yet his body accepted the fact he was complemented with excitement, the blood pumping into his veins with the want of answer back, begging to be touched by those hands, kissed by those lips, Sanghyun loathed himself from it, taking one last inhale before he could burst into tears of the mess he was making of himself, of how stupid he was, pathetic really. 

“Thank you,” his voice was shaky and he prayed Seungho didn’t hear it, but he felt that tension of being watched by the piercing stare, it was as if Seungho saw it all happen and pitied him, saw his emptiness inside, his dark secrets, his non-existing self worth and Sanghyun hated, he felt overpowered again, vulnerable. His eyes going again for the screen.  _ 14\.  _

“Are you late to something?” again the voice filled the elevator, sounded a bit worried when seeing how Sanghyun was fixed on the floors counting. Sanghyun almost asked him to stop talking, to leave him alone, took him all his strength to lie with his head, using the opportunity in his favor, for once those doors opened, he would be almost running away from Seungho. 

And they did open, so Sanghyun held on his backpack and his phone trying to keep his steps easy, yet fast to leave the man behind, the clicking sound being double as he could hear Seungho right behind him, powerful in his walking, and Sanghyun wished a happy new year to the staff he was passing by, hearing the wishes continuing as he was out the glass doors, opened already in the work hours. His long legs again were a gift by God when he was running down the stairs, feeling the cold air slapping his face, the black Rolls Royce parked on the sidewalk as he continued to his destination to the subway entrance.

“Mr. Park!” his eyes immediately closed, he commanded his body to not stop, however it did, and he cursed under his breath when his own feet failed him, turning on the sidewalk to where the voice called him, Seungho was there, with his driver holding the door opened, the long coat on his shoulders as his hands still moved into the act of placing the leather into the fingers. “Do you want a ride home?” 

Sanghyun stood glued on the ground, hearing the cars around them, staring first at the black shiny car, the plate on the back, then at Seungho waiting, his handsome face, his nice outfit, and the way his eyes were dark even under sunlight. He didn’t answer because his voice wouldn’t come out, and without better judgement, he walked back to where he was, entering in the car as the driver still held the door, moving on the fancy creme leather to sit across to side, it smelled of Seungho’s perfume, and before he ever got the chance to admire the screen on the back of the front seats, the fur under his shoes, Seungho bent, face staring at him as Sanghyun was too surprised to be inside one of those.

“Where do you live?” his voice sounded close, but Sanghyun was still awe with how much money people could have in the world while long years ago he was doing after hours to use the notebook and internet from his internship company. 

“I, uh, 145th with Broadway...” he said, feeling the leather on the palm of his hands, making sure his backpack was on lap, not touching anything, he felt extremely poor, his legs even had space to straight up a bit. He saw Seungho outside, repeating the address to the driver, and joining him inside the car with the door being closed after. 

The smell was stronger, addicting and this time Sanghyun was lost into his own little world of being inside a car he didn’t even could dream of having a day to mind the presence of the man next to him, but it didn’t mean Sanghyun didn’t know Seungho was fitted into the picture of a privilege world, of rich he never thought he would get closer to, it was nice, right. Sanghyun could easily get used to the soft fur under his feet, to the creme leather, and the space enough for two, Sandara wouldn’t believe him when he told her he was riding inside a car like that. Then Sanghyun remembered it wasn’t something he could tell Sandara, simply call her and tell her he was inside the Yang Corporation CEO’s car and it was amazing, she would reprove him, tell Changsun what he was doing and Changsun would fly to Manhattan to save him from himself.

Sanghyun knew they were right, and he wouldn’t lie saying his body was aroused with the place and the person he was in and with. Of course his mind was asking for him to lean back, reach his palm a little bit to the left and touch the lean fingers resting on the thigh, then sinking into further the valley between the thighs, Seungho had thick thighs, Sanghyun made a mental note, the fabric from his suit could be made for his measures, yet they appeared on the burgundy shade. Sanghyun took note of the small frown he had on the eyebrows when reading, on the line his profile formed, nose, lips and chin, and he almost asked Seungho which cufflinks he was wearing that day.

“What are your plans for tonight?” Seungho must had felt the stare, so his quiet voice woke Sanghyun from his daydreams the second time in less than a hour, it wasn’t enough for him to stop, his head resting on the support behind him, trying to fix his senses to remember that forever. The hand placed the phone away into one of his pockets and he turned to him.

“None,” Sanghyun said before thinking, forgetting he was lying he was late, and when he noticed what he did, it was too late to lie again as Seungho arched an eyebrow to him, maintaining his serious expression. He cursed himself in his mind of how stupid he was, getting caught by the CEO lying right on his face.

It was silence again, until Seungho relaxed his forehead. “Are you liking Manhattan?” 

Sanghyun nodded right away, the arm around his backpack hugging in it, trying to calm himself from being caught. “A lot, reminds me of Seoul in a kind of way.” 

“Yes, I agree, but I only visited there a few times because of my grandparents,” Seungho commented simply as if he was somehow accessible for normal, regular people like Sanghyun. “My parents decided to move here and make New York the main before I was born.” 

“Where do you live?” Sanghyun asked not knowing how to continue the chat and fixing his posture inside the car, also using the ride to look outside to the view, nostalgic for the feeling of being home, suddenly sadness dominating him because he wasn’t with Durami and Sandara and his own grandparents that night. 

Seungho pushed his lips’ corners up with a strange expression, watching Sanghyun. “Upper West Side, 1035 5th Avenue. You can see Central Park’s fireworks perfectly.”

Sanghyun darted his eyes back to Seungho who still watched him in that dangerous stare, and they both stood in silence for some moments, he was crazy or it had been an invitation, he couldn’t think straight, and felt trapped again just like the elevator, overwhelmed.  _ Please, don’t, please… Don’t do it.  _ But it wasn’t bad like he had flirted first, right? It was Seungho’s initiative, and his only. Sanghyun could deny, or accept, because it didn’t mean it wasn’t a friendly meet he could have at a penthouse in New Year’s Eve, so he decided to bury his emotions down, forget he would ruin it at some point, being who he was and nodded.

“I will send a car for you later,” Seungho was casual, not affected like Sanghyun.  _ See? You are thinking too much.  _ “9pm sounds right?” 

He nodded again, preparing himself to face the consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *rules by doja cat starts playing*  
> yang seungho: a  
> *rules by doja cat intENSIFIES*


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end :D

* * *

**sympathies and sacrifices**

_ how long have you waited to find someone that touches you like you touch yourself, kisses you like you kiss yourself, cries on your laps and calls you the one and only unlike you do to yourself? _

* * *

Sanghyun wore the jacket. It was the first time he ever putted it on, and he had been nervous not knowing if it would fit, clinging it to be the only piece of clothing he owned that wouldn’t seem he was the poor man inside a rich apartment in 5th avenue. The fabric felt nice under his fingers, it was somewhat heavy on his shoulders for the stones and he stopped by the mirror to stare at himself more times he could count, he paired with his Dr Mantern’s boots, which had also been expensive from his point of view, and expected to look good enough for Yang Seungho. Stupid, he knew, it was what he kept calling himself over and over again as he took his shower, styled his hair, dressed himself, sprayed his perfume and applied makeup — of course it was when Sanghyun loathed himself the most, the eyeliner sliding on his waterline as he stopped to watch himself, the way he was, and it was almost his past self was sitting next to him, resting his head on his shoulders, asking how good they looked, asking if they were enough, and Sanghyun felt overwhelmed by the presence of himself what guided him to hide his face into his palms.  _ Why can’t you be normal?  _ He thought, bathed by shame when he exited the front gate of his apartment to enter the silver car waiting for him until the point when the driver opened the door in the front of the building in 5th avenue, right by the MET and Central Park. 

His steps were guided by the doorman by the entrance, in full uniform and a kind smile, Sanghyun wondered if he knew who he was or why he was there for, aside from a simple name, he called the elevator for him, it being in baroque designer, warm lights and without knowing exactly what button to press, the doorman helped again, one arm holding the double doors and the other pressing PH on top. Of course, Sanghyun had a nasal weak laughter, penthouse. He couldn’t pick the reason he was so nervous there, he had been doing this walk for years, going to people’s place to satisfy himself, and leave right away, maybe it was the fact that the man waiting for him was the CEO for the company he worked on, or the fact he had never been into places like that before, the domain for the rich and wealthy, or even how he didn’t know what to expect that night, what kind of invitation Seungho offered him, he had prepared to the worst, to lay down nude in a bed that wasn’t his, as it was always how things ended with him, but there was that ringing into his ears of doubt, could Seungho really entangle into an affair with one of his employees, the thought alone made Sanghyun shiver, maybe he wasn’t the first one from the company to visit the penthouse. 

Before he could overthink, the double doors opened to a living room with great lights coming from the walls, the floor under his feet made from dark wood, polish and clean, and he felt his boots were too dirty from riding the subway. There were many huge windows leading to a 360 vision of the properties outside, the dark night sky, the green area with lights from Central Park, a portion of Manhattan he never saw before. The mobile were simple, designed for a minimal style to complete the arts around the living room, yet what really caught his attention was the terrace right in the middle of the penthouse, the glass walls with the classic mobile and garden, romantic almost. It didn’t fit in the concrete jungle outside the walls, it was too modern for what Sanghyun saw of Manhattan, even the building exterior didn’t do it justice, and he felt tiny in the high ceiling. 

“Mr. Park,” he heard from his left, the voice in its natural habitat, it ringed as an echo in the domain, a quiet storm, a tamed beast calling him, and Sanghyun turned to it as he let it control him. “Welcome.”

Yang Seungho was by one of the corridors opening, the warm shade from the illumination had his skin glowing golden as it casted a burgundy shade on the meaty lips, which were closed with only the corners lifting, his stare was the usual, the feline shape of his eyes with bold lashes and brown iris sparkling in menace, his hair was changed though, spiked up to give him a casual air, just like his clothes, a gray sweater and white pants. Sanghyun would be scared to be overdressed if those clothes didn’t look fresh out of a runaway, if there wasn’t another one of the many Rolex on the wrist. 

Sanghyun took a moment to appreciate him, feeling his hands tremble nervously with the man, the best he could do was to greet back, yet he had no idea of what to call him. 

“The jacket looks good on you,” Seungho saved him from the embarrassment, the tiny smile opening the slightly when seeing the younger wearing the gift from Christmas, and Sanghyun watched him approaching his personal space as a hunter did to its prey, he could almost ask them to just skip the small talk, he wasn’t there for small talk, he was there for one reason and one reason only. “I was afraid it wouldn’t fit.” 

He was taken back, staring himself down, the fit was just right on his shoulders, the L size being his size, and his fingers touched the stones to admire the beauty of it again. The words on his mouth were not the ones he said.  _ I wore it for you.  _ “Thank you.” 

Seungho chuckled sounded in the penthouse as a soft tone, easily mistaken as if he was making fun of him, a last look into Sanghyun and his voice came as he turned to return to the corridor. “I ordered Japanese, hope you like it.” 

He followed his boss through the corridor until they reached the kitchen, it was an American traditional one, big enough to be compared to his living room as on the island in the center, the food was placed carefully, it was more than the necessary for two people, and Sanghyun sat by the stool with a heart pounding as he saw Seungho opening the refrigerator, back to him, the shoulders still straight, a list of the drinks he had was presented so Sanghyun could pick one and from all of the choices, he was surprised Seungho himself picked a beer and not whiskey or something stronger. 

They sat together, Sanghyun with his trembling hands almost forgetting how to use the chopsticks on the side of his plate, and he did his best to pretend he was relaxed, and waited until his boss had the first sushi to start eating. Between those bites, Seungho was clearly in the mood for chatting about Sanghyun’s life, and he regretted ever being so boring in the answers of those questions, Seungho asked about his family, Sanghyun said they were happy in Korea, and soon he would visit his sisters and grandparents, didn’t mention how his father gave up on them before trying or how his mother had laid in a floor kitchen, lifeless with a knife close , Seungho asked about his studies, and Sanghyun said the name of his high school and his college, didn’t mention he had an awful time in both of them, he never fitted in or had friends at those. Seungho commented about hobbies, arts, how beautiful Greece was and how his own family would keep the traditions and he spoke about his brother living in Europe, of Broadway musicals, gave him tips of what to do in the Spring and Summer that would come. The voice on the back of his nape had whispered how awful his life was while he listened carefully, and it perhaps reached his pupils in a dash of a different kind of darkness Seungho had. 

A darkness it never appeared so brutally honest to everyone to see, the one behind his sharp teeth when he was smiling, the one on his tongue when he kissed lovers who didn’t know exactly what they tasted, but sure they didn’t like it, the same one he had for years and years and nobody ever saw it. Seungho got it in a glimpse, only because he had been watching closely, and saw his shadow connecting to Sanghyun in the same way he did when he first saw the young man sitting on a desk on the 47th floor of his company, the beauty was a fooling image and he approached him to give his welcome, seeing there a person with the same secret as him. 

And it was gone as quickly as Sanghyun bent closer to the plate on the island, taking a sushi between his mouth to eat it, reminding himself why he was there, not for self pitied, he was there for Seungho, to destroy the good opportunities he had in his miserable life.

They finished eating soon after, Seungho drinking the last sip of his beer and calling Sanghyun to the balcony to watch the fireworks as midnight was approaching. It was on the opposite side of the penthouse, Sanghyun walked behind on the corridors, passing by again the terrace in the middle of the living room, making mental notes to never forget that place, knowing it was his first and only time there, his eyes failed him in a shiver on his spine as they passed through a dark wooden door, half opened, it was only seconds, however Sanghyun saw enough of a bedroom to know where he wanted to stop the walking, he thought about stopping right away upon seeing parts of a huge bed with white and green sheets, nightstands with lamps and he thought about opening the rest of the door, whispering Seungho’s name as he did when he was in need and laying down, ready to be ravished. 

He didn’t have time to do it, Seungho was already in front of him, using the handles of the classic double doors to reveal the balcony, not so different from the terrace, smaller and cozy with couches, pillows, transparent shielding protection from December’s cold air, Central Park was closer, the MET glowing as they watched it from a superior level, Sanghyun was memorized again, a view better than the Empire State, he almost couldn’t believe Seungho woke and slept to an access to that view. Seungho gave him space to admire it, choosing his spot in a couch turned to the night sky before them. Sanghyun had still to learn how to breath, searching the other in the landscape and sitting next to him automatically, on the edge of the pillows, knees close and hands side by side with his thighs, excited with the place, not noticing the meticulous analyze he was under how he was being stared, from the blond short hair, to the eyes carrying the makeup well on his lashes, to the cute pout his lips formed when he was focused on something, the nice cut on the jacket on his broad, broad shoulders.

“You’re stunning,” it was lost into the air, a mere compliment with no intention to be proven or returned, his voice was low as a thought staying for too long in hid head and coming out from the meaty lips as a wonder, it was a statement, a fact of reality. 

Sanghyun woke from his own dreaming to turn to his side where Seungho sat with the legs crossed, the torso resting on the arm support so he could sit on his direction, there was no expression on his face besides the same serious, danger eyes revealing his secrets one by one, his hands resting with interlaced fingers on top of his thighs as the night sky had him glowing in only a side of his whole being. It was what Sanghyun had been waiting the entire time he was there, the little gap in their encounter to have his own way to the valley between the legs, he had all the possibilities of what he could say in return. He felt his fingers itching and his nape starting to feel cold as in sweat, it was it, right? 

“Show me how much,” Sanghyun said, pupils dilating in desire for winning his prize, the guilty vanishing into his veins as arouse, hearing Yang Seungho speaking of his beauty, he had expected it to happen, yet when it did, when he finally had the opportunity of doing what he came to do, it was thrilling, hard to believe he would have the grace of sleeping on a bed of soft sheets, the grace of being kissed by heavenly lips and touched by the hands that controlled everything around them, he did not care if he was his boss any longer, pushing away his inhibitions as he supported his back on the couch, staring longing at the man besides him, waiting for the next move and displaying himself to him. 

Seungho came to kiss him right away, the lips crashing hard on his, palms cupping his big cheeks and Sanghyun thought he never felt better in his whole life. 

* * *

**flesh, bones and mind**

_ and all made sense, right? Why life turned you into who you are. So you could be loved by the right one _

* * *

His body laid submerge in a hurricane of thoughts, a pale view of the lines from his back, of the blond hair resting on the pillow as his eyes were wide open so he could watch very closely the way the face were calm and relaxed in sleep. Sanghyun had been up the entire night, until he felt the bedroom light increasing in sunlight coming from behind the curtains on the windows, and didn’t believe himself to not be tired. He had spent great time just staring at Seungho and riding his own ocean of satisfaction as it came with the later. Sanghyun asked himself why it was in the worst circumstance that he finally found someone who, not only had kissed him deeply on his mouth, also held him tightly and whispered on his ear  _ let go, Sanghyun, let go…  _ upon seeing the mask he had on, the kind to see through his facade of being the one there to satisfy, without needs and concerns. It was what Seungho did for him, Sanghyun had been kissed like he was the last person in the whole world, like he was the chosen one among an army of trillions, Seungho had a certain touch of necessity when his tongue came to devour his mouth, in the verge of losing the control he always seemed full of, it was addicting, how his hands were soft yet held him strong, not letting him move, wanting to keep him close, and the fingers ran through his blond threads, pulling along, and Seungho sucked on his neck with teeth and all. 

The fireworks came but Sanghyun never saw them, instead he had his eyes closed as Seungho stripped him from his jacket, then the shirt, and sealed every single predominant muscle as his voice followed his mind.  _ Fuck, Sanghyun…  _ it repeated in his brain as he was admired again and again and Seungho worshipped him, taking a knee and his dick into his mouth. Sanghyun had found himself free of guilty as it happened, not being able to have another thought besides Seungho and Seungho, he was easily overwhelmed as if he was touched everywhere, his own little bubble to habit. He was taken to the bedroom in seconds, laying on the bed naked and ready, Seungho had undressed himself in front of him and Sanghyun asked again if there was any other man more handsome, the only piece on his body was the expensive watch on the same wrist of the hand he used to hold him down on the mattress, and hold his face as Sanghyun tried to contain himself in his true colors as he was prepared for the penetration, and it was Seungho stared right into his eyes and asked him to free himself, no judgements, no punishments, and he did, disclosing himself all over the place as Seungho pushed him into the bed and fucked him like he was begging, fingers tight around his neck allowing him to roll his eyes back, hips rough and hard and they would stop in seconds, long seconds just so Seungho could bend and kiss him deeply like he owed him that much, in those moments, Sanghyun would lose himself in the ecstasy, feeling himself not able to hold his climax any longer, and he came with Seungho praising him for it, speaking on his ear that no one was the same as him, felt good as him, beautiful as him, and he cleaned him with his tongue. 

Sanghyun could cry then, and he almost did, almost being too close to doing it, the tears came to his eyes as simply blurring water on his vision, but they never fell on his face, he was hyperventilating when Seungho also reached his boundaries and laid next to him, body covered in sweat and tiredness. He was ready to leave, and he waited for the order to gather around his clothes and go away through the door, yet he only felt arms around his waist pulling him closer, and thighs circulating his own so they both were tangled together, into each other. He had never ever done it before, it was awkward at first, not running away after sex, not leaving right away, not being asked when his Uber was arriving, and Seungho gave him one last kiss before sleeping, yet Sanghyun stood woke the entire night of the first day of January. 

He kept it all in his head, not knowing when it would repeat, the texture of the sheets, the color, the fluff pillow, which Seungho had too many, five and he only used one to sleep, the windows and the curtains, the metal the handle to the closet and the bathroom had, the color of the carpet under the bed, how tall the mattress was and how big, he had lingered his fingers on Seungho too, focusing on the shape of his lids, how his lashes curled on his cheek, the shape of his lips when he was pouting while dreaming, and the softness of his skin, the shade of gold on his arms and legs and how his hair felt under Sanghyun slow caress, and the smile, big, aligned teeth perfectly white mounded and offered to him when Seungho finally opened his eyes to greet him in the morning. Another kiss, arms squeezing his waist, wishing him good morning in a huskier voice and Sanghyun wondered if that was love. 

It went on and on throughout the day, Sanghyun waiting for when Seungho got tired of him, and ask him to leave. It never happened, Seungho in fact, woke up with a smile, offered Sanghyun a bath while breakfast wasn’t ready, gave him clean clothes that he never thought he would be wearing any day; simple and in a size he wasn’t used to, the white shirt was wrapped on his arms and torso in muscles only and the pants were good on his waist, loose on his legs and Seungho chuckled upon seeing him, pancakes made specially for him, they ate together, talked over it and left for the balcony and its beautiful vision. They had lunch later, and kissed badly, Seungho taking him again, rough and passionate, and Sanghyun hugged him like his life depended on it, thinking how he never wanted to leave.  _ Please, don’t ever leave me,  _ he wanted to say, for Yang Seungho was infecting his system, what he had been looking for since his first love, the piece of his puzzle he had been missing since Ree. The companion by his side that he never knew he would needed.

Things made sense when he was together, and he felt a darkness filling him when he finally left in a car, Seungho kissing him one last time in that penthouse. Sanghyun could cry again when he laid by his bed with Dadoong creeping on his calves to sleep with him, wishing he had been with Seungho again. It was the part were Sanghyun would regret everything deeply, for he knew it would come, and he still feed himself with the dreams of what would never happen. Suddenly, he was waking up to another day to work, back to his routine, and he had to dig strengths from his insides to decide whenever to go or out, waiting for when Byunghee would call him to his office and fire him for sleeping with the CEO.

He stared into Christina’s blue eyes when the elevator opened, watched her picking her mug and greeting him good morning, he wanted to hold her hand and tell her everything happening to him, wanted to tell her about his New Years and ask her what he was supposed to do now that his body was aching for someone he couldn’t have, his fingers were shaking, his cheeks were pale, yet nobody seemed to notice how he wasn’t himself that day, they had lunch and Cheolyong came to his desk to talk about Seoul. He couldn’t eat, a knot on his throat not allowing food in or words out, and he was on the limit of sweating cold when his email went off, he could break right into that floor in fat tears, and kill himself to punishing himself for seeing it would happen and not stopping. It was from Yang Seungho, the CEO on the address and when he finally clicked on it, it was simple. 

_ I never got your number, so I had to lie so People & Culture could give me your @. _

_ Apparently we have business to discuss about Chicago. _

_ Dinner tonight?  _

Sanghyun hid his smile into his own palms for long seconds before answering back, he would love to. 

Against his own believes, Yang Seungho was his first date ever, it was the first person who saw him for what he was, had interest in what he liked and disliked, took him out multiple times, Sanghyun had lost count on how many places they had been eating together, yet there was always a new one in Manhattan, in Spring, they were by the Bryant Park to enjoy the sun and the nice weather, Seungho always with his big shades on top of his nose, his clothes changed from suits to casual and Sanghyun got used to the expensive textures of those, caring less and less what he could or couldn’t buy, for it never seemed to matter to Seungho neither, he was aware of his fortune, yet never treated him inferior about it, instead he never spoke about, the money itself, Sanghyun learned Seungho was the fourth generation taking care of the whole company, how his parents never cared for his sexual orientation, but his younger brother never contact him after it, which he said with a strange expression on and apologizing for Seunghoon wouldn’t be there when he meet his family, Sanghyun arched his eyebrows. Meeting the family?

He did, the first time he was presented to a family as a  _ boyfriend. This is Sanghyun, my boyfriend.  _ The Yangs being too alike in physics and piercing stares, they bowed to him, gave him a place at the table and never shut up about him, they even expressed the happiness in Seungho finally having someone, the only second his father had a different stare was when he told them where they met, and advised both to be careful with that. Yet back in New York, Christina, the only one who knew, never made Sanghyun feel bad about it, when he had whispered into her ear the secret he was seeing Seungho since New Year, they were in March, she only smiled in that way of no teeth, only lips and squeezed his hand.  _ I’m happy for you.  _ They still kept a professional posture when they were together around the building, it was funny even, when Seungho walked in with his tailored suit and greeted everybody and instead of a ‘baby’, it was Mr. Park, and they both held a chuckle back of how strange it sounded.

Sanghyun, often, found himself into Seungho’s arms and wondered if it was love, his skin full of bites and handprints, neck still sore and face buried into his lover’s chest, he smiled and questioned life it was still a trick, he would accepted it completely after five months together; it was the longest he ever got with somebody. It was a surprise even to Sandara, Durami and his grandparents when Sanghyun visited, a silver ring on his finger and a handsome man by his side, Sandara glared Seungho up and down, from the combed hair down to his red bottom shoes, then melted right away when they decided to talk designer and fashion and it was gone. His grandparents were still somewhat skeptical, eating quietly while Durami and Sandara couldn’t care less. Changsun was the worst, joining the family in the lunch with a whole list of questions that Seungho had no choice but to answer, and Changsun still threatened him before he left to his house, if he ever broke Sanghyun’s heart, he would die, not minding the intimidating persona Seungho was. 

It never got better, that intimidating stare or the serious face, they were part of Seungho and they came without trying, Sanghyun would ask Seungho why he was always with that face, and Seungho said it was his face, he had no other. They could be waiting down 5th avenue holding the bags for their shopping in a nice summer afternoon and Seungho would still be with the angry expression on, Sanghyun liked it, specially when he lost it to a full smile able to delight the entire room, specially when they were laying face to face, talking about life and Seungho would smile just like that and tell him he loved him. 

He loved Sanghyun. Loved. Sanghyun was loved. He felt it every single day, didn’t matter if they were by Sanghyun’s apartment, Dadoong on Seungho’s lap as he caressed the animal while Sanghyun was cooking, to when they were apart in a meeting and Seungho stole a glimpse behind his shoulder to him, a tiny blink and a smile, to when they fought, which they did, because Sanghyun sometimes felt happiness and love were too much for him to handle and Seungho would increase his voice, hands in the air.  _ Depression isn’t adorable, Sanghyun! Stop trying to make yourself sad over nothing!  _ And they were sitting next to each other in the waiting room for a therapist, in that, Seungho gave him no choice neither an escape, instead he was in the appointments next to him every single time, Sanghyun wasn’t sure if it was to keep an eye on him, making impossible for him to miss any, or to support him when they changed to a psychologist and they gave him pills, he liked to think it was for support only, the same one he had when he decided to go for his second degree, or when he decided to pick up habits, hobbies. 

Sanghyun stopped waiting for the time Seungho would leave him, or ask him to leave, waiting for when Seungho decided destroy him, to love somebody else, and it was different, everything became different when he stopped waiting for any thing, as if he had nothing to prove, and he had nothing to lose. Calmness and peace, and then Sanghyun just knew it was love. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it suddenly got not so agsnt and i dont know what happened, things change right? i miss my babies, this mini fic was just a note of how much i miss them, it was a mess, i know, but im a mess atm, my feelings are all over the place, but i am happy with the end, i wish i could do a 50+ chapter fic telling how pain isn't part of who we are, and love isn't about suffering, but i cant, just know that one day you will find that person, and you will think ’oh, that's why.... it was you right?’, i swear that when that person comes, everything makes sense and you understand that real love gives no space to pain.   
> i wanna thank anybody who was reading this, my husband for loving me even when it was ugly and supporting me when i was only anxiety. now its time to pray for mblaq to reunite again, jesus christ, juST DO IT!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> oh uh, where ho at????


End file.
